Maybe I just don't want to change right now. Okay?

I was still far too energized because of Activism Class, still far too hungry from my barely noticeably broken fast, and well away from any state of preparation for sleep. Glancing at my monitor, a thought from earlier today popped into my head. "That picture," I thought, "has been my desktop background for far too long." And so, despite a small voice inside my head (specifically on the right side, slightly above eye level, too far back to be frontal, but too far forward to be in the middle, probably a centimetre or two before the ear) telling me 'you don't want a change... you're not feeling a change,' I opened my browser and began my occasional routine of searching for rain and cityscapes. Although I found no shortage of lovely pretty things to make my own, I was unable to find something that appealed to that certain spot in my heart, that evoked my latent desire for new frontiers.

My desire to cling to an admittedly drab background picture has left me wondering at some other aspects of my recent behaviour. Today, in a meeting in my very demanding and very gratifying environment of work, I balked internally when D mentioned that I would be leaving after this year. I am fairly certain that my eyes attempted to abandon my face, and I had to restrain, with some difficulty, the desire to pipe up with something to the effect of 'actually if you'd like I could stay on another year or so... I know I won't be a student anymore, but I really don't have much planned for my immediate future, and I find it both challenging and comforting here.'

I've also been back and forth over the past few days on the matter of my hair. I cannot seem to decide what it is that I would like to do with my head. Yet another frivolous matter of no great consequence. And yet I cannot seem to settle into the idea of change this year. I imagine that, despite all efforts at failure, I will be forced to once again come to terms with change when I am handed a degree and told to graduate on to something grander. Until then, though, how do I contend with change?

Normally this would be the point in discourse where I come up with some manner of summative solution, and a slightly open-ended concluding statement that leaves room for individual reflection. Sorry, dear reader. I'm just not there yet. How do I contend with change? How do I contend with change? I do not know. I really do not. I am at a loss. I usually deal with change quite well, welcoming it and hoping for new and exciting challenges. Perhaps it is because I truly feel challenged for the first time that I do not feel ready to move on. At the moment I am gaining so much from life that I do not wish to end this stage of life before I have enjoyed all it can offer me.

Although I perform best when I am busiest, perhaps my constant occupation prevents me from savouring each of the remarkable opportunities presented to me this year. And how odd, as it is the occupation that I savour the most.