Premise 1: Knowing what a given thing is like does not liken one to the given thing.
Premise 2: Possessing certain traits does not mean that the external world or its constituent parts possess said traits.
Premise 3: A knowledge of how things have been in the past is of little consequence when imagining how things will be in the future.
You know how sometimes you stack several objects somewhat precariously, or try to lean a broom against a wall, and after letting go sort of hold your hands a few inches away, half worried the whole thing will tip, half trying to keep everything in place through the sheer force of the will power emanating from your splayed fingers?
It's hit and miss in physics. Your odds are even worse with people.
I think this is what I spend most of my time trying to do. Keeping it together. It would make much more sense to just try to stack myself neatly, with care, but the thing is, it's a shit metaphor. I'm not a pile of stuff.
It takes a lot longer to reorder your soul than it does to rearrange your closet.
This thing is going to take some time. I have to remember that. Probably a long time, with a lot of bad days, but not forever. Probably not a lifetime.
If there's one goal I can get behind, I think maybe it's dying happy. Which, of course, would mean not dying early. Which is maybe a sub-goal? Whatever it is, I can probably get behind it, too. Thus, my primary motivation in not killing myself is that it would directly impede dying happy. Way to go... rational choice!
Well, I can't damn well get it out of my system if I keep trying to hide it so other people won't worry about it, now can I?
