The men in my life have made me wish I didn't have a body.
The partner who took the bags of groceries out of my hands, because he was the man, despite my telling him I could carry them myself, so that my muscles shrank and my strength decayed.
The brother who would think it was okay for any man to stare at a woman's body if it were the type he thought a woman should be confident about, because he likes to stare at women's bodies too, and can't fault others for doing what he does, even if they are doing it to his sister, who doesn't want them to.
The friend who would fetishize my breasts, but who would not hold my body.
The father who treats his wife and sister with derision for the weight they have gained over the years, and asks me why I have gained a few inches, but doesn't think that this will make me feel worthless.
The partner who would use my body in ways I asked him not to, but would not help me through great physical pain when I begged him to.
The brother and cousin who tell me that if I were to keep my eyes lowered as a bride - a common custom that is supposed to convey modesty, but is also problematically gendered and normative - they would be be ashamed of me.
The friend who cherishes the way I make him laugh, the thoughts and understandings we can share, but who would never let me rest my head against his chest, or my hand over his heart.
The partner who would expect affection when it suited him, but who would not touch me when it didn't.
The colleague who would kiss me for helping him meet his idol, but not for being mine.
The uncle who would make sexual jokes that depict women as being valuable only for their sexual capacity, in the company of the family, and would not stop when we would tell him it wasn't funny.
The men in my life, they do not love me in a way that is kind to my body. They may love the person they think I am. They may love the wit and intelligence, the strength and the humour they see in me, but they do not love my flesh. The men in my life ignore the nerves and emotions tangled up in my body. I wish I didn't have one.
